“I hate my husband” — Not exactly a romantic thing to say about the man you married. You claimed him as the love of your life once. He was the man you fell head over heels in love with because he promised to hold your hand through thick and thin. He was someone you thought you couldn’t live without. However, somewhere along the way, those feelings changed. When you look at him now, there is no love in your eyes. There is only resentment.
Clearly, that’s not a pleasant place to be in and can have repercussions not just on the quality of your married life but also your physical and mental health. Research has found that unhappy marriages are as bad as smoking. The study shows the implications of the quality of marriage on life expectancy. People who are in unhappy marriages are likely to die early. This research may scare you but don’t worry.
We are here to help you out of your miserable situation and how to turn it around with some possible reasons why you hate your husband and what you can do about it in consultation with emotional wellness and mindfulness coach Pooja Priyamvada (certified in Psychological and Mental Health First Aid from John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health and the University of Sydney), who specializes in counseling for issues like extramarital affairs, breakups, separation, grief, and loss.
10 Reasons Why You Despise Your Spouse
Is it even possible for you to hate your husband? Pooja says, “Well, hate is a strong emotion. However, sometimes long-held resentment and chronic conflicts in a marriage that just doesn’t seem to end may make many women feel like they hate their husbands. Hate can be an existing emotion in marriages where abuse of any kind takes place.”
So, it’s not unusual or unnatural to hate your husband. In fact, every person in a marriage hates their spouse at some point. In What About Me?: Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, Jane Greer writes that it’s impossible to live with someone without occasionally feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by their actions. If you can’t stop saying, “I hate my husband”, stop beating yourself up about it. Instead, look at the reasons why you feel this way so you can figure out what you need to do to remedy the situation:
Related Reading: 25 Ways To Be A Better Wife And Improve Your Marriage
1. There is no equality in the relationship
Pooja says, “Equality can be one of the things that makes a wife feel happy in a marriage. It makes her feel respected and loved. It makes her feel that her views, thoughts, and opinions matter and are paid attention to. She feels like she has a say in big and small decisions about the family. When there is no equality in a marriage, the husband gives her little to no chance of speaking her mind. This can make wives develop an immense amount of scorn toward their husbands.”
When there is an imbalance of power or power struggle in a relationship, it can create a lot of problems between the couple. You might start resenting your partner if the relationship doesn’t feel equal anymore. Are you the only one doing all the chores around the house? Are you the only one taking care of the children? Are you the only one paying for everything? If the answer to these questions is yes, it’s no surprise you find yourself saying, “I hate my husband”.
2. He criticizes and belittles you
If you are asking, “Why do I hate my husband?”, then this could be one of the possible reasons. Constant criticism in a marriage can be painful to handle. If your partner finds fault with everything that you do – be it your life choices, your everyday decisions, and even the way you dress up – it can be deeply demoralizing and hurtful. If you can’t take it anymore, here are some answers to what to do when your husband belittles you or criticizes you all the time:
- Don’t retaliate. An eye for an eye won’t make it any better. Firing criticism back at him will only make matters worse
- Speak to him about this gently when the mood is right. Tell him his comment hurt you
- Communicate with him. Ask him if something is bothering him. If he is unsatisfied in the relationship, ask him to be frank about it
3. He doesn’t make an attempt to look good for you
This is one of the unhappy marriage signs. When you have been married for a long time, it is easy to start taking each other for granted. That’s when you begin to drift away and negative emotions such as hatred or dislike for one another begin to creep into your bond.
Sophia, a reader from Minnesota, says this is what’s made her unhappy in her marriage. She says, “I hate my husband and my marriage is making me depressed. He doesn’t care about his appearance anymore. I am not saying I expect him to look like a movie star every day but he doesn’t even make an effort to dress up and look nice on special occasions. And that feels like he has given up on making any effort to keep our marriage fresh and interesting.”
4. The sex has gotten boring
When we asked Pooja if boring sex can cause unhappiness in relationships, she replied, “Oh yes. Boring sex with no innovation, gratification, or satisfaction can be among the major reasons for a wife’s lack of contentment in marriage. Sexual compatibility goes a long way in ensuring that a couple is happy with each other.”
It’s not just love and loyalty that keep a marriage alive. Sexual and physical intimacy is just as important. Here is why:
- It develops emotional intimacy in a marriage between partners
- It ensures the longevity of the relationship
- It makes you feel like you are still desired, loved, and wanted by your partner
- It reduces stress and anxiety
A sexless marriage is bound to create a rift between partners. If you feel like you and your husband are having the same kind of sex and it has started to feel like a chore, then it could be one of the reasons why you are having a hard time in your marriage.
Related Reading: 15 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Marriage
5. He cheated on you
If his past betrayal is one of the reasons why you still have negative thoughts about this marriage, then it’s better to talk to him about it. Let him know that you are still insecure, angry, hurt, or whatever else it is that you’re feeling and that it has affected the way you feel about him.
If he is sincerely remorseful of his actions and makes earnest efforts to help you get past the residual negative emotions and you too want to give another chance and rebuild your marriage, here are some of the ways you can rebuild trust in your relationship:
- Release the anger
- Practice forgiveness
- Avoid dwelling on the past
- If your husband is doing everything he can to rectify his mistake, give him a chance and be open to growth
- Put conscious effort into making the relationship work
6. He is dealing with addiction or he is depressed
An addiction could also be one of the reasons why you hate your husband. Whether he is addicted to alcohol, gambling, or drugs, it is bound to negatively impact your marriage as well as your life. It’s only natural that it has led you to view your spouse and your relationship with him negatively.
Pooja says, “Another reason why you could hate your husband is that he is battling a mood disorder. This is especially true if his condition hasn’t been diagnosed and you think he acts erratically for no reason. In situations like these, it’s vital to tread carefully. Your angst and derision will only cause more damage. Relationships get tested all the time. You need to stand by him and support him in this difficult time.”
7. He doesn’t know the meaning of compromise
When there is no compromise in a relationship, couples find themselves drifting apart sooner or later. Speaking on the issue, psychologist Namrata Sharma previously told Bonobology, “When we talk about healthy and mutual compromise in a relationship, it must be accepted by both the parties in the relationship. If only one is compromising, then that is not healthy in any way. It clearly shows how toxic the relationship might be. The pressure, the load of a relationship is only on one person.”
Here is what a lack of mutual compromise in a relationship looks like:
- Your partner always has the final say, irrespective of the situation at hand
- You find yourself muffling your voice
- You don’t feel confident stating your expectations, wants, and desires
- You do most of the giving while your partner only takes
8. He is selfish and cares only about himself
We can all get selfish once in a while. The degree of selfishness is what matters here. For instance, if he has been ignoring you because he is chasing an important deadline at work, it’s not a cause for concern. And if that or something like that has got you saying things like, “My husband makes me depressed” and “I hate my husband”, perhaps you need to focus on setting your relationship expectations more realistically.
However, if he can’t see anything beyond himself and doesn’t take you into consideration, then it’s one of the signs of a selfish husband, whom you may grow to resent and hate over time. Some other warning signs that your husband behaves selfishly in the relationship are:
- A selfish husband makes all the decisions by himself
- He lacks empathy and basic kindness
- He never owns up to his mistakes
- He is very critical of you and gives you a hard time
- He has stopped complimenting you
- The only time he shows you affection is when he needs something from you
- He doesn’t hear you out and makes you feel unseen and unheard
- He doesn’t validate your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and opinions
Related Reading: 12 Things To Do When Husband Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic
9. Respect does not go both ways
Respect isn’t always talking politely and being obedient toward your partner. Respect is acknowledging that you have someone in your life who loves you. Respect is recognizing that this person’s feelings shouldn’t be overlooked by criticizing, patronizing, or belittling them. When you respect your partner, you wholeheartedly accept that they are a different person than you and that you won’t impose your beliefs and opinions upon them no matter what.
Speaking of the signs of disrespect in a relationship, a Reddit user said, “I think an actual subtle sign of lack of respect in a relationship is dismissing what you say in a conversation in a very patronizing way. You can disagree but try to remember that how you speak to your partner sets the tone for what the public thinks is acceptable behavior to show back. If you are rude or dismissive, the world will copy. If you are supportive and respectful, the world will copy.” If that’s how you’re being treated in your marriage, it’s only natural for your to feel like you hate your husband.
10. Your husband has become a barrier between you and your dreams
Your partner is always meant to be your pillar of strength. He should support you in all your endeavors – personal, professional, intellectual, or spiritual. A supportive husband will push you to achieve your goals. They are going to be there for you through all your ups and downs and all your success and failures.
Here are some of the signs your husband isn’t supportive of your dreams and maybe that’s why you are saying, “I hate my husband”:
- He does whatever he can to distract you
- He doesn’t think your goals are important
- He doesn’t give you any advice or share his opinion about your ambitions
- He makes you second-guess yourself
- He discourages you from pursuing your dreams and ambitions by making you feel like you can’t achieve them
Signs You Hate Your Husband
The sooner you spot these signs, the better it will be for you. Once you recognize that you hate your husband, you may be able to understand where a majority of your issues are stemming from. If you don’t know what’s causing unhappiness in your marriage, paying attention to the signs that you hate your husband may help:
1. You are constantly picking fights with him
You constantly and deliberately pick fights with him. Every couple has its share of differences but that doesn’t call for constant arguments in a relationship and picking fights over every little thing. If that has become your go-to response, it is one of the signs you hate your husband.
2. You think about cheating on him
This is another alarming sign of a failing marriage. Life throws temptations at you every single day. It’s on you as a human being whether to react to those temptations or not. However, hating your husband definitely makes it easier to succumb to these temptations. If you’ve entertained thoughts of straying or found yourself attracted to another man to an extent that you want to act on those feelings, the way you feel about your spouse could be a strong underlying factor.
Related Reading: 12 Hurtful Things You Or Your Partner Should Never Say To Each Other
3. You are entertaining the idea of divorce
“Should I divorce my husband?” — If this is a recurring thought in your head, then it’s obvious you are unhappy. Before you act on it in haste, take a moment and talk to a trusted family member about your negative feelings toward your husband. Once the feelings are out, you will have a rough idea of what the problem is. Perhaps, then, you can talk to your husband about it and assess whether your marriage has a future.
4. You have become abusive
Pooja says, “Being abusive is one of the signs you hate your husband. If you have stopped loving your husband, there is a chance that all the negative emotions you’re harboring inside may manifest in the form of emotional or verbal abuse.”
If you have become abusive, it’s time to stop and think about the reasons that are contributing to this negativity in your mind and heart. Find ways to not let the hatred get the better of you. Consider seeking help to understand your triggers and better manage your emotional responses to make sure you don’t damage your relationship and leave your spouse emotionally wounded.
5. You hate spending time with him
Spending quality time is one of the ways to keep a marriage alive. Partners spend time with each other doing mundane things, partaking in new activities, sharing romantic moments such as date nights, or simply unwinding at the end of a long day. It is this shared time that cements your bond and keeps you together. When you don’t feel like spending quality time with your partner, it’s one of the signs your marriage has hit a rough patch.
What To Do When You Hate Your Husband
When certain things don’t go according to your wishes and you are the only one who ends up compromising on every single thing, you may feel suffocated in the marriage. It’s no wonder you are upset with your spouse and are feeling trapped in a relationship.
All the negative emotions toward your spouse may leave you feeling insecure about the future of marriage, after all, walking away is not always easy. Nor is staying on in a marriage that brings you nothing but unhappiness. So, if you want to give your marriage a shot at survival, you need to change the status quo. Here are some helpful tips on what to do when you hate your husband:
Related Reading: 5 Cute Ways To Improve And Strengthen Your Relationship
1. Have an honest conversation with yourself
Before you talk to your husband or anyone else about this, ask yourself: Do I hate my husband, or do I hate some of the things he does? You could hate some of his quirks and traits. For example, you could hate that he prioritizes his work or his family over you. You could hate how he is critical of you or how he stonewalls you after a fight. However, do you hate him because you outgrew your love for him? Do you hate him because you fell in love with someone else?
It’s necessary to sort this out before you yell “I hate my husband”. His quirks and habits can annoy you but they can be worked on through healthy communication. But if you don’t feel any kind of love or concern toward him, then maybe you are right to ask, “Should I divorce my husband?”
2. Focus on rekindling the relationship
Sonia, a housewife and a baker from San Francisco, wrote to us, “I hate my husband. I don’t think I love him anymore. Should I get a divorce?” It’s extreme to think of getting a divorce even before trying to save the relationship. Give it one last chance. Here are some of the ways you can rekindle love in a marriage:
- Flirt more often. Touch each other more. Bring back the playfulness in your relationship
- Be vulnerable with each other. Speak your heart out
- Delve into each other’s love languages and express your affection in a language that resonated with your partner and vice versa
- Make space for spending quality time together. Go on dinner dates. No mobile phones, no fights, and no talking about children and work
- Experiment in bed. Ask each other what you would like to do
Pooja adds, “Keep the communication going. If it has stopped, then find ways to communicate again, and do things that you used to do in the initial phases of the marriage. Make your partner feel loved and respected. Share your everyday things with them. Find common interests and work on improving your sexual intimacy.”
3. Accept him for who he is
If you think your partner has to be perfect in every aspect of living and being, possibly your notions about relationships and life, in general, are very dysfunctional. We are all imperfect in our ways. We all have our flaws. Just because your partner has a different perspective than you or has a few traits that don’t align with your personality, doesn’t mean they are wrong.
Here is one of the biggest tips to build a harmonious marriage: You need to make your partner feel that he is accepted and loved for who he is. Cherish him. Respect his beliefs, values, and intellect. Acknowledge him. Make him feel validated. Try to look at things after wearing his shoes for once. Maybe you will start empathizing with him.
4. Appreciate him for all the good things he does
Appreciate him when he does things for you, even the little things. He brought you a glass of water without you asking for it? Thank him. Believe it or not, it’s a very thoughtful gesture. He holds your hand while crossing the road? A very protective gesture that shows how much he cares about you.
Pooja says, “Sometimes, building a happy marriage is genuinely not about taking expensive holidays and trips. It’s about spending time with each other in the comfort of your home. Positive attention is one of the things human beings crave for. It makes your partner feel good about themselves. That’s why appreciation goes a long way in healthy marriages.”
Related Reading: 8 Ways To Get Out Of An Unhealthy Relationship
5. Seek professional help
If you and your partner are stuck and don’t see a way out of your problems, it’s best to try couples counseling when you are trying to rebuild your marriage. A certified counselor will know better to manage all the trivial and big problems. A licensed professional can help you improve your communication skills and they will also help in managing your expectations in a healthy way. At Bonobology, we offer professional help through our panel of licensed advisors who can help you embark on a path toward recovery.
- Marriage can be difficult. Both partners have to work toward making it easy through compromise, respect, and affection
- One of the common reasons why wives hate their husbands is that they barely share the load. Instead of letting resentment about it – or other issues – build up, speak up and tell your partner you want them to be involved in domestic chores and responsibilities
- You can rekindle the spark in your marriage by making an effort to reconnect with each other and being more accepting of who your spouse is as a person
Remember, there was once an enormous amount of love between you and your partner instead of the hatred you feel for him today. With communication, effort, and appreciation, you can reignite the spark between you and your husband. Don’t lose hope yet, and most importantly, don’t get too attached to these negative feelings you harbor toward him. Be prepared to look at this situation from a neutral point of view if you want to correct the course of your relationship.